Pukul 9.15 pagi, Kudut dtg berjmpa doktor utk mendptkan rawatan sakit belakang.
Doktor: apa dah jadi dgn belakang awk nie?
Kudut: (sambil mengaduh dan memicit2 belakangnye dia berkata...) saya kerja syif malam. Bila balik rumah saya tingkat tiga pukul 7.45 pagi tadi, saya dgr bunyi bising kat dlm bilik tido. Saya syak ada org dah tido dgn bini saya. Saya tgk pintu balkoni terbuka. Saya berlari ke situ, jenguk ke bawah dan nmpk seorg lelaki kelam- kabut lari sambil pkai baju dan seluar dia. Apa lagi, saya terus angkat peti ais, campak kat lelaki tu. Tu yg saya sakit belakang sampai sekarang nie, doktor.
Doktor mengangguk. Tapi belum sempat doktor periksa belakang Kudut, tiba2 seorg lelaki bernama Chet meluru masuk ke bilik rawatan. Keadaan Chet nmpk serius, mcm baru lepas dilanggar kereta.
Doktor: uih! Ingatkan pesakit yg saya tengah periksa nie dah teruk, tapi awk nie lagi teruk. Apa dah jadi dgn awk?
Chet: saya baru dapat keje selps lima thn menganggur. Hari nie saya kena laporkan diri kat tmpt keje baru saya tu. Tapi mlm tadi saya lupa nak set jam loceng. Biasa la org bujang, terlajak... saya terlambat bangun. Tengah saya berlari ke stesen bas sambil pakai baju dan seluar, tiba2 ada sebiji peti ais hinggap kat ats belakang saya! Aduuhhh... sakitnye!
Baru doktor hendak periksa belakangnye, seorg lagi lelaki menyerbu masuk. Namanye Don, keadaannye lebih teruk daripada Chet dan Kudut, jln terhuyung-hayang, satu badan penuh lebam dan benjol.
Doktor: laa... apasal pulak nie?
Don: saya nyorok kat dlm peti ais. Tetiba ada org campak peti ais tu ke bawah dari tingkat tiga!!! Aduuuhhhh....
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
COWS & POLITICS EXPLAINED
CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
SABAH CORPORATION : You have lots of cows roaming the street....Nah! its cheaper to eat imported beef and milk !
FILIPINO CORPORATION : No filipino corp? Because there are no cows anymore they export it! Only carabaos!
....but I wonder. who discovered how to get milk from a cow? and i wonder what they thought they were doing before they found out there was milk?
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
SABAH CORPORATION : You have lots of cows roaming the street....Nah! its cheaper to eat imported beef and milk !
FILIPINO CORPORATION : No filipino corp? Because there are no cows anymore they export it! Only carabaos!
....but I wonder. who discovered how to get milk from a cow? and i wonder what they thought they were doing before they found out there was milk?
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
3 juruterbang dan buah pilihan
Kisah 3 juruterbang yang ditangkap oleh kaum Kanibal.
Ketiga-tiga juruterbang ini mengigil ketakutan dan memohon agar tidak dibunuh.
Maka ketua suku kaum itu pun berkata, 'Kalau korang sumua nak hidup, korang kena masuk hutan & bawa 10 buah yg sama jenisnya. Tapi korang hanya ada masa 3 jam saja!'
Sebelum 3 jam, pilot yang pertama pun akhirnya datang bawa 10 biji epal.
Ketua Suku : "Ok, kamu dah bawa 10 biji epal. Sekarang masukkan semua epal tu ke dalam lubang dubur kamu satu persatu. Kalau kamu merintih atau bersuara, kamu akan saya potong2!"
Dengan penuh semangat perjuangan & ketahanan akhirnya epal pertama dpt di msukkan. Tapi untuk epal yg ke 2 dia tidak dapat menahan kesakitan & terus menjerit.
Dgn kejam ketua suku tadi terus memenggal kepala si pilot. Maka naiklah pilot tadi ke syurga.
Pilot ke-2 pulak datang membawa 10 biji anggur. Dan ketua suku tadi terus memberi arahan yg sama. 1 anggur msuk, 2 anggur, 3 anggur, tapi pada saat dia nak masukkan anggur yg ke 10, ketua suku tadi tiba2 memotong kepala pilot ke-2.
Naik la pilot ke-2 tadi ke syurga & berjumpa dengan pilot-1 tadi.
Pilot2 : Wah, kau pun mati jugak?
Pilot1 : Ye la, aku bawak epal. Tak tahan sakit! Sial betul ketua suku tu, syaratnya susah sangat! Habis kau bawak buah apa?
Pilot2 : Anggur
Pilot1 : Anggur?? Tu kan senang! Kecik je, tak sakit pon!
Pilot2 : Memang betul. Semua anggur aku hampir masuk ke dalam lubang dah..Tapi tiba2 aku ketawa & hbs sume anggur yg aku masuk tadi keluar balik…..
Pilot1 : Bodoh kau! Kenape ketawa?
Pilot2 : Habis, masa aku nak masukkan anggur yg ke 10, aku nampak pilot ke-3 bawa durian...giler ko..durian!!!
kakakakakkaaaa.....=))
Ketiga-tiga juruterbang ini mengigil ketakutan dan memohon agar tidak dibunuh.
Maka ketua suku kaum itu pun berkata, 'Kalau korang sumua nak hidup, korang kena masuk hutan & bawa 10 buah yg sama jenisnya. Tapi korang hanya ada masa 3 jam saja!'
Sebelum 3 jam, pilot yang pertama pun akhirnya datang bawa 10 biji epal.
Ketua Suku : "Ok, kamu dah bawa 10 biji epal. Sekarang masukkan semua epal tu ke dalam lubang dubur kamu satu persatu. Kalau kamu merintih atau bersuara, kamu akan saya potong2!"
Dengan penuh semangat perjuangan & ketahanan akhirnya epal pertama dpt di msukkan. Tapi untuk epal yg ke 2 dia tidak dapat menahan kesakitan & terus menjerit.
Dgn kejam ketua suku tadi terus memenggal kepala si pilot. Maka naiklah pilot tadi ke syurga.
Pilot ke-2 pulak datang membawa 10 biji anggur. Dan ketua suku tadi terus memberi arahan yg sama. 1 anggur msuk, 2 anggur, 3 anggur, tapi pada saat dia nak masukkan anggur yg ke 10, ketua suku tadi tiba2 memotong kepala pilot ke-2.
Naik la pilot ke-2 tadi ke syurga & berjumpa dengan pilot-1 tadi.
Pilot2 : Wah, kau pun mati jugak?
Pilot1 : Ye la, aku bawak epal. Tak tahan sakit! Sial betul ketua suku tu, syaratnya susah sangat! Habis kau bawak buah apa?
Pilot2 : Anggur
Pilot1 : Anggur?? Tu kan senang! Kecik je, tak sakit pon!
Pilot2 : Memang betul. Semua anggur aku hampir masuk ke dalam lubang dah..Tapi tiba2 aku ketawa & hbs sume anggur yg aku masuk tadi keluar balik…..
Pilot1 : Bodoh kau! Kenape ketawa?
Pilot2 : Habis, masa aku nak masukkan anggur yg ke 10, aku nampak pilot ke-3 bawa durian...giler ko..durian!!!
kakakakakkaaaa.....=))
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Suri Rumah Tidak Bekerja
Encik Zainal : Saya bekerja sebagai Akauntan di sebuah Bank.
Kaunselor : Halimah pula?
Encik Zainal : Dia tidak bekerja. Hanya suri rumah sahaja.
Kaunselor : Tiap-tiap pagi siapa yang sediakan sarapan pagi?
Encik Zainal : Halimah yang sediakan sebab dia tak kerja.
Kaunselor : Pukul berapa Halimah bangun untuk sediakan sarapan??
Encik Zainal : Pukul 5 pagi dia bangun kerana saya akan keluar bekerja pada pukul 6.30 pagi.
Kaunselor : Anak-anak encik Zainal ke sekolah bagaimana??
Encik Zainal : Halimah yang hantar sebab dia tidak bekerja.
Kaunselor : Selepas hantar anak-anak, Halimah buat apa?
Encik Zainal : Pergi ke pasar, kemudian balik rumah untuk memasak dan kemas rumah. Halimah kan tak bekerja.
Kaunselor : Petang hari selepas Encik Zainal balik rumah, apa yang Encik Zainal lakukan?
Encik Zainal : Balik berehat, kerana seharian saya penat bekerja.
Kaunselor : Apa Halimah buat?
Encik Zainal : Sediakan makanan, melayan anak, mengemas dan dia juga mengambil upah menjahit. Dia menjahit sehingga lewat malam kerana dia tidak bekerja.
Berdasarkan cerita di atas, anda rasa siapa yang lebih banyak bekerja??
Rutin seharian Halimah bermula dari sebelum Subuh sehingga lewat malam, itu juga dikatakan TIDAK BEKERJA??
Suri rumah memang tidak perlukan segulung ijazah atau pangkat yang besar, tetapi peranan suri rumah sangat penting!
Hargailah seorang isteri kerana pengorbanannya tidak terkira
Sunday, January 15, 2012
American marriage vs Hindu marriage
American marriage vs Hindu marriage
Two men, one American and a Hindu Indian were sitting in a bar and discussing about their family problems. Shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American:
"We have problem in India.
We can't marry the one whom we love. You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely and domesticated girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.
We call this an arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love.
I told my parents that openly and now have a hell of a lot of family problems."
The American said: "Talking about love marriages, in America we can marry the one we love.
Let me tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated her for three years.
After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her,so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife is my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son.
My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.
The situation turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother, is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems?"
Two men, one American and a Hindu Indian were sitting in a bar and discussing about their family problems. Shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American:
"We have problem in India.
We can't marry the one whom we love. You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely and domesticated girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.
We call this an arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love.
I told my parents that openly and now have a hell of a lot of family problems."
The American said: "Talking about love marriages, in America we can marry the one we love.
Let me tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated her for three years.
After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her,so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife is my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son.
My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.
The situation turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother, is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems?"
Saturday, January 14, 2012
CALON SUAMI
CALON SUAMI
Susah kalau khawin dengan org Telekom tiap 3 minit jek putus
Ahli Bomba lagi teruk, bukak kepala terus pancut
Dr Gigi pun lebih kurang goyang-goyang terus cabut.
Askar bahaya sikit, asyik nak tembak sahaja.
kalau Mat Rempit lagi dasyat lampu merah pun jalan
Baik khawin dengan Cikgu kalau kurang jelas akan diajarnya sampai puas
Kalau dengan orang TNB pulak sikit-sikit tak ada privacy la pulak
Kalau dengan budak 7ELEVEN ahakssss!!!! SERVICE 24 jam tuhhh.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
That's Life.
God created the donkey and said to him.
"You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years."
The donkey answered:
"I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years"
God granted his wish.
God created the dog and said to him:
"You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend.
You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years.
You will be a dog. "
The dog answered:
"Sir, to live 30 years is too much, give me only 15 years."
God granted his wish.
God created the monkey and said to him:
"You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks.
You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. "
The monkey answered:
"To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years."
God granted his wish.
Finally God created man and said to him:
"You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.
You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals..
You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years."
Man responded:
"Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused."
God granted man's wish
And since then, man lives 20 years as a man , marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back.
Then when his children are grown,
he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever
is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.
That's Life.
"You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years."
The donkey answered:
"I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years"
God granted his wish.
God created the dog and said to him:
"You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend.
You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years.
You will be a dog. "
The dog answered:
"Sir, to live 30 years is too much, give me only 15 years."
God granted his wish.
God created the monkey and said to him:
"You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks.
You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. "
The monkey answered:
"To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years."
God granted his wish.
Finally God created man and said to him:
"You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.
You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals..
You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years."
Man responded:
"Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused."
God granted man's wish
And since then, man lives 20 years as a man , marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back.
Then when his children are grown,
he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever
is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.
That's Life.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Puberty Joke..
Boy: Will you marry me?
Girl: I'm lesbian.
Boy: what is lesbian?
Girl: I like girls more than boys.
Boy: Then gimme five, I'm also lesbian.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Please read if you eat shrimps
YOU MAY POISON YOURSELF ACCIDENTALLY (I didn't know this myself)
A woman suddenly died unexpectedly with signs of bleeding from her ears, nose, mouth & eyes. After a preliminary autopsy it was diagnosed that death was due to arsenic poisoning.
Where did the arsenic come from?
The police launched an in-depth and extensive investigation. A medical school professor was invited to come to solve the case.
The professor carefully looked at the contents from the corpse. In less than half an hour, the mystery was solved.
The professor said: 'The deceased did not commit suicide and neither was she murdered, she died of accidental death due to ignorance!'
Everyone was puzzled, why accidental death?
The professor said: 'The arsenic was produced in the stomach of the deceased.'
The deceased used to take 'Vitamin C' everyday, which in itself is not a problem.
The problem was that she ate a large portion of shrimp/prawn during dinner. Eating shrimp/prawn is not the problem that's why nothing happened to her family even though they had the same shrimp/prawn.
However at the same time the deceased also took 'vitamin C', that is where the problem was!
Researchers at the University of Chicago in the United States , found through experiments, food such as soft-shell contain much higher concentration of five potassium arsenic compounds.
Such fresh food by itself has no toxic effects on the human body.
However, in taking 'vitamin C', chemical reaction occurs and the original non-toxic elements change to toxic elements.
Arsenic poisoning has magma role and can cause paralysis to the small blood vessels. Therefore, a person who dies of arsenic poisoning will show signs of bleeding from the ears, nose, mouth & eyes.
Thus as a precautionary measure,
DO NOT eat shrimp/prawn when taking 'vitamin C'.
A woman suddenly died unexpectedly with signs of bleeding from her ears, nose, mouth & eyes. After a preliminary autopsy it was diagnosed that death was due to arsenic poisoning.
Where did the arsenic come from?
The police launched an in-depth and extensive investigation. A medical school professor was invited to come to solve the case.
The professor carefully looked at the contents from the corpse. In less than half an hour, the mystery was solved.
The professor said: 'The deceased did not commit suicide and neither was she murdered, she died of accidental death due to ignorance!'
Everyone was puzzled, why accidental death?
The professor said: 'The arsenic was produced in the stomach of the deceased.'
The deceased used to take 'Vitamin C' everyday, which in itself is not a problem.
The problem was that she ate a large portion of shrimp/prawn during dinner. Eating shrimp/prawn is not the problem that's why nothing happened to her family even though they had the same shrimp/prawn.
However at the same time the deceased also took 'vitamin C', that is where the problem was!
Researchers at the University of Chicago in the United States , found through experiments, food such as soft-shell contain much higher concentration of five potassium arsenic compounds.
Such fresh food by itself has no toxic effects on the human body.
However, in taking 'vitamin C', chemical reaction occurs and the original non-toxic elements change to toxic elements.
Arsenic poisoning has magma role and can cause paralysis to the small blood vessels. Therefore, a person who dies of arsenic poisoning will show signs of bleeding from the ears, nose, mouth & eyes.
Thus as a precautionary measure,
DO NOT eat shrimp/prawn when taking 'vitamin C'.
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