An overnight millionaire buys the new Automatic BMW X8 sport. He drives the Car perfectly well during the day, but at night the Car just won't move at all. He tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck.
He then furiously calls the BMW dealers and they send out a technician to him, the technician asks " Sir, are you sure you are using the right gears?"
Full of anger the millionaire replies "You fool, idiot man, how you could ask such a question, I'm not stupid!! I use D for the Day and N for the Night..."
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Ocean View
A group of chaps, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous, with tight skirts, perky breasts and nice bums.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service was good and the wine selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service was good and the wine selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Gift from boss
A secretary got an expensive PEN as birthday gift from her boss.
She sent her boss a 'Thank You' note via SMS. The wife read the text
and angrily shows her husband the message:
"Your penis wonderful, I enjoyed using it last night. Thanks"
Moral:- Space is essential in every successful married life!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Never Judge Anyone So Early
Never Judge Anyone So Early
A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery. He answered the call asap, changed his clothes & went directly to the surgery block. He found the boy's father pacing in the hall waiting for the doctor. On seeing him, the dad yelled:
"Why did U take all this time to come? Don't U know that my son's life is in danger? Don't U have any sense of responsibility?"
The doctor smiled & said:
"I am sorry, I wasn't in the hospital & I came as fast as I could after receiving the call...... And now, I wish you'd calm down so that I can do my work"
"Calm down?! What if your son was in this room right now, would U calm down? If your own son dies now what will U do??" said the father angrily
The doctor smiled again & replied: "I will say what Job said in the Holy Book "From dust we came & to dust we return, blessed be the name of God". Doctors cannot prolong lives. Go & intercede for your son, we will do our best by God's grace"
"Giving advises when we're not concerned is so easy" Murmured the father.
The surgery took some hours after which the doctor went out happy,
"Thank goodness!, your son is saved!" And without waiting for the father's reply he carried on his way running. "If U have any question, ask the nurse!!"
"Why is he so arrogant? He couldn't wait some minutes so that I ask about my son's state" Commented the father when seeing the nurse minutes after the doctor left.
The nurse answered, tears coming down her face: "His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was in the burial when we called him for your son's surgery. And now that he saved your son's life, he left running to finish his son's burial."
Moral-Never judge anyone..... because U never know how their life is & what they're going through"
Don't Foregt To Share Dis ...
SPREAD HUMANITY
A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery. He answered the call asap, changed his clothes & went directly to the surgery block. He found the boy's father pacing in the hall waiting for the doctor. On seeing him, the dad yelled:
"Why did U take all this time to come? Don't U know that my son's life is in danger? Don't U have any sense of responsibility?"
The doctor smiled & said:
"I am sorry, I wasn't in the hospital & I came as fast as I could after receiving the call...... And now, I wish you'd calm down so that I can do my work"
"Calm down?! What if your son was in this room right now, would U calm down? If your own son dies now what will U do??" said the father angrily
The doctor smiled again & replied: "I will say what Job said in the Holy Book "From dust we came & to dust we return, blessed be the name of God". Doctors cannot prolong lives. Go & intercede for your son, we will do our best by God's grace"
"Giving advises when we're not concerned is so easy" Murmured the father.
The surgery took some hours after which the doctor went out happy,
"Thank goodness!, your son is saved!" And without waiting for the father's reply he carried on his way running. "If U have any question, ask the nurse!!"
"Why is he so arrogant? He couldn't wait some minutes so that I ask about my son's state" Commented the father when seeing the nurse minutes after the doctor left.
The nurse answered, tears coming down her face: "His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was in the burial when we called him for your son's surgery. And now that he saved your son's life, he left running to finish his son's burial."
Moral-Never judge anyone..... because U never know how their life is & what they're going through"
Don't Foregt To Share Dis ...
SPREAD HUMANITY
Monday, February 20, 2012
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ran, ruled by Nuts.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ran, ruled by Nuts.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Latest News: Tennessee woman arrested after allegedly hitting her husband with Honey Buns
Are you serius??? Some wired news copied from http://timesfreepress.com/news/2012/feb/08/tennessee-woman-arrested-after-allegedly-hitting-h/?breakingnews.
An argument over Honey Buns leaves a Dayton wife charged with assault.
The incident happened Friday night on Old Washington Highway around 8:30.
According to the arrest report, 55-year-old Wilma Wooten and her husband, Louie, were arguing over a box of Honey Buns when she allegedly hit him across the face with the box.
Merapu di malam hari
Pukul 9.15 pagi, Kudut dtg berjmpa doktor utk mendptkan rawatan sakit belakang.
Doktor: apa dah jadi dgn belakang awk nie?
Kudut: (sambil mengaduh dan memicit2 belakangnye dia berkata...) saya kerja syif malam. Bila balik rumah saya tingkat tiga pukul 7.45 pagi tadi, saya dgr bunyi bising kat dlm bilik tido. Saya syak ada org dah tido dgn bini saya. Saya tgk pintu balkoni terbuka. Saya berlari ke situ, jenguk ke bawah dan nmpk seorg lelaki kelam- kabut lari sambil pkai baju dan seluar dia. Apa lagi, saya terus angkat peti ais, campak kat lelaki tu. Tu yg saya sakit belakang sampai sekarang nie, doktor.
Doktor mengangguk. Tapi belum sempat doktor periksa belakang Kudut, tiba2 seorg lelaki bernama Chet meluru masuk ke bilik rawatan. Keadaan Chet nmpk serius, mcm baru lepas dilanggar kereta.
Doktor: uih! Ingatkan pesakit yg saya tengah periksa nie dah teruk, tapi awk nie lagi teruk. Apa dah jadi dgn awk?
Chet: saya baru dapat keje selps lima thn menganggur. Hari nie saya kena laporkan diri kat tmpt keje baru saya tu. Tapi mlm tadi saya lupa nak set jam loceng. Biasa la org bujang, terlajak... saya terlambat bangun. Tengah saya berlari ke stesen bas sambil pakai baju dan seluar, tiba2 ada sebiji peti ais hinggap kat ats belakang saya! Aduuhhh... sakitnye!
Baru doktor hendak periksa belakangnye, seorg lagi lelaki menyerbu masuk. Namanye Don, keadaannye lebih teruk daripada Chet dan Kudut, jln terhuyung-hayang, satu badan penuh lebam dan benjol.
Doktor: laa... apasal pulak nie?
Don: saya nyorok kat dlm peti ais. Tetiba ada org campak peti ais tu ke bawah dari tingkat tiga!!! Aduuuhhhh....
Doktor: apa dah jadi dgn belakang awk nie?
Kudut: (sambil mengaduh dan memicit2 belakangnye dia berkata...) saya kerja syif malam. Bila balik rumah saya tingkat tiga pukul 7.45 pagi tadi, saya dgr bunyi bising kat dlm bilik tido. Saya syak ada org dah tido dgn bini saya. Saya tgk pintu balkoni terbuka. Saya berlari ke situ, jenguk ke bawah dan nmpk seorg lelaki kelam- kabut lari sambil pkai baju dan seluar dia. Apa lagi, saya terus angkat peti ais, campak kat lelaki tu. Tu yg saya sakit belakang sampai sekarang nie, doktor.
Doktor mengangguk. Tapi belum sempat doktor periksa belakang Kudut, tiba2 seorg lelaki bernama Chet meluru masuk ke bilik rawatan. Keadaan Chet nmpk serius, mcm baru lepas dilanggar kereta.
Doktor: uih! Ingatkan pesakit yg saya tengah periksa nie dah teruk, tapi awk nie lagi teruk. Apa dah jadi dgn awk?
Chet: saya baru dapat keje selps lima thn menganggur. Hari nie saya kena laporkan diri kat tmpt keje baru saya tu. Tapi mlm tadi saya lupa nak set jam loceng. Biasa la org bujang, terlajak... saya terlambat bangun. Tengah saya berlari ke stesen bas sambil pakai baju dan seluar, tiba2 ada sebiji peti ais hinggap kat ats belakang saya! Aduuhhh... sakitnye!
Baru doktor hendak periksa belakangnye, seorg lagi lelaki menyerbu masuk. Namanye Don, keadaannye lebih teruk daripada Chet dan Kudut, jln terhuyung-hayang, satu badan penuh lebam dan benjol.
Doktor: laa... apasal pulak nie?
Don: saya nyorok kat dlm peti ais. Tetiba ada org campak peti ais tu ke bawah dari tingkat tiga!!! Aduuuhhhh....
Thursday, February 2, 2012
COWS & POLITICS EXPLAINED
CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
SABAH CORPORATION : You have lots of cows roaming the street....Nah! its cheaper to eat imported beef and milk !
FILIPINO CORPORATION : No filipino corp? Because there are no cows anymore they export it! Only carabaos!
....but I wonder. who discovered how to get milk from a cow? and i wonder what they thought they were doing before they found out there was milk?
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
SABAH CORPORATION : You have lots of cows roaming the street....Nah! its cheaper to eat imported beef and milk !
FILIPINO CORPORATION : No filipino corp? Because there are no cows anymore they export it! Only carabaos!
....but I wonder. who discovered how to get milk from a cow? and i wonder what they thought they were doing before they found out there was milk?
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